Turn Mediocre Sex into Great Sex

Turn Mediocre Sex into Great Sex

The lights are low. A fire smolders in the fireplace. Two wineglasses sit, half empty, on the nightstand. Your clothes lie in a heap on the floor. You reach for each other. The two of you tumble to the bed, and…


No explosions of passion. No breathy proclamations of desire. No tumultuous climax. Then you wonder: How can everyone in movies and romance novels be having fiery, combustible sex when you and your partner barely create a spark?

Sexologist Logan Levkoff, author of the eBook How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You, says, “TV shows and movies give us this very skewed representation of what sex is supposed to be like. Everyone seems to be climaxing and having orgasms all the time from whatever they’re doing. When you grow up on a diet of that, and when your real life doesn’t match, you think, ‘There’s something wrong with me,’ or, ‘There’s something wrong with my partner.'”

Real-life sex can almost never measure up to the passion portrayed on the screen, sex therapist Isadora Alman says. “People don’t talk about the fact that it’s likely that in an odd position you’ll pass gas or the love of your life will take you in his arms and have bad breath.”

Sex in the real world isn’t perfect, and it doesn’t always end with an earth-shattering climax — but it doesn’t have to, Levkoff says. “Good sex doesn’t necessarily have to be about an orgasm. It can just be an emotionally fulfilling experience between partners.”

Getting What You Want in Bed

Even when everything else in the relationship is working, sexual styles aren’t always compatible. You like long foreplay sessions. Your partner is ready to go in an instant. You long for wet, sensual kisses. He prefers dry, chaste pecks. “Sex is not just naturally perfect,” Alman says. “There is the energy of a new relationship that is positive — the excitement and the eagerness and the passion. And the negative is that you bump noses or knees because you just haven’t learned how to dance together yet.”

But even long-term couples can struggle in the bedroom. Though we can easily tell our partner what shirt we’d like him to wear, or what we’d like to cook together for dinner, we tend to get tongue-tied when it comes to the topic of sex.

“People tend to be very sensitive when it comes to talking about sex,” says relationship and family therapist Rachel Sussman. “They’re afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings, so they don’t tell them what they like or don’t like. But you’re not going to get it unless you ask for it.”

So how do you tell your partner what you want without bruising his or her ego? “I think it’s really in how you bring up the statement,” Levkoff says. “‘I would love it if we…’ or, ‘Could we try this?’ You don’t want to make them feel bad about what they’ve done or haven’t done.”

You can have the conversation whenever and wherever it’s most comfortable for you. But before you talk, you need to know exactly what it is about your sex life that bothers you. Is it a question of technique? Personal hygiene? Timing? “Once you know what isn’t working for you,” Alman says, “there are things you can suggest that can mitigate those circumstances.”

For example, if something about your partner’s smell is turning you off, suggest taking a bath together before making love. If you crave more foreplay, ask for slower segues into sex.

Before you can tell your partner what you want him or her to do in bed, you need to know what you like. “I think especially for women, they’ve got to explore their own bodies,” Sussman says. “You have to masturbate. Get a vibrator. Get some books. Teach yourself how to orgasm.”

When It’s Just Not Working

After you’ve tried talking and the sex still isn’t working, what then?

“Experiment together,” Sussman says. “Learn to get to know each other’s bodies.”

Try some sex aids. Read books with pictures (such as The Joy of Sex), or watch an educational video together, Alman says. Not porn, but explicit videos in which a voice-over explains what’s happening in the scenes.

Sometimes, the problem is a physical one, such as premature ejaculation. Or it may be that the stress from your job is bleeding over into the bedroom and disrupting your sex life. In those cases it can help to see a sex therapist. “We unravel why you two are not getting along,” Alman says. “And then we try to remedy that.”

If you’re still unsatisfied, is it ever OK to fake it in bed?

“If you’re faking it, you’re doing yourself a disservice because you’re not learning what really turns you on,” Sussman says. “I think eventually, it takes a toll. Your partner’s going to realize that you’re disconnected.”

Can sex ever be bad enough to consider ending a relationship over? Possibly. “You might really love somebody and the sex is never going to be better than OK. You have to decide whether you can live with that,” Alman says.

Whenever you’re considering a breakup or divorce, you need to weigh every element of the relationship and not just the sex. “You can’t have everything in life,” Sussman says. “If you have a wonderful relationship and you love each other and you have kids but the sex isn’t great, maybe you can live with that.”

Sussman says that every couple has the potential to have good sex if you’re willing to put a little effort into it. “If you’re two emotionally and physically healthy people, you should be able to work with what you’ve got. Not everybody needs to be hanging off the chandelier,” Sussman says. “You can get better. But you have to practice, and you have to be open to discussing it and getting help when you need it.”



2 Replies to “Turn Mediocre Sex into Great Sex”

  1. The prolonged crisis rocking the Actors Guild of
    Nigeria, AGN, may finally be coming to an end if the recent moves
    by some concerned stakeholders in the industry are anything that would help to restore peace in the
    troubled guild.

    For the past 12 years, the guild has been embroiled in leadership tussle, culminating in the sacking of its National President, Ibinabo Fiberesima
    last year by the court, following a lawsuit filed against her re-election by
    one actor, St. Maradona Mikevine. The actor was the National Treasurer in the
    election that produced another popular actor, Emeka Ike, as
    AGN president. Mikevine, in his suit, argued that the election that brought
    Ibinabo into office was conducted in the face of a subsisting court order restraining the conduct of AGN election.

    The popular actor also, urged the court to determine whether
    it was proper for an election to be conducted in the face of
    an order to the contrary, and whether anyone could parade himself or herself as AGN executive based on an election conducted against
    a court order. The suit that brought about the initial order was filed by Emeka Ike.

    However, before St. Maradona Mikevine came into the picture, Emeka Ike had been battling for the
    leadership position of the guild since 2005, after
    the tenure of Ejike Asiegbu, as the former National President of
    the guild expired. Then Asiegbu had refused to vacate the seat
    or conduct a fresh election, forcing the BoT headed by Prince
    Ifeanyi Dike to suspend him and appointed veteran actor, Kanayo.
    O. Kanayo as the Interim President of the

    Meanwhile, when Ejike realized that KOK was planning to organize an election, he quickly went to
    Port Harcourt and conducted an election that produced
    Segun Arinze as the new President. While KOK also went ahead with a parallel election through which Emeka
    Ike became factional President.

    The drama, however, took a drastic twist when Segun Arinze surrendered his
    mandate to the BOT, saying that he wanted peace to reign. Consequent upon this,
    the guild decided to form a government of national unity
    headed by Arinze. But Emeka Ike, KOK and some other
    members did not support the decision.

    As the fire raged on, Segun Arinze brought Ibinabo
    Fiberesima into the picture, as she was elected as the first female President of the
    guild in 2012, amidst stiff opposition that she was an ex-convict
    and a woman.

    Since then, the guild has never known any peace at the national level.
    Twelve years down the line, AGN has been at
    a crossroad. Rivalries, money laundering, back-biting and feuds have been the order of the day.

    Sadly, the last effort by actor Steve Eboh-led Caretaker Committee better known as ‘AGN stakeholders’ to restore
    peace to the troubled guild hit brick walls. But
    the good news is that some concerned stakeholders have taken it upon themselves again to end the
    feuds. They are currently holding secret meetings with the warring factions of AGN with
    a view to restoring peace to the troubled association.

    ‘AGN crisis is fuelled by those who are benefitting from it’

    Last Friday night, the stakeholders met with Emeka Ike and his team.
    The meeting, which they described as ‘a pointer to
    ending the crisis rocking the guild’ lasted for hours
    at Marble Brand Hotel, in Ikeja,Lagos. It had AGN’s BoT Chairman, Prince Ifeanyi Dike
    in attendance as well as Sunny Mcdon(BoT member),
    Okey Bakassi, the owner of Marble Brand Hotel and Frank Dallas who sacked by Ibinabo
    for offences ranging from anti-guild activities and insubordination. Also,in attendance from
    Emeka Ike’s camp were his National Secretary,
    Femi Durojaiye, the treasurer and the man at the centre of the storm, St.

    Maradona Mikevin.

    Speaking with HVP, after the meeting, which ended around 2.30 am, Emeka Ike
    said, he’s ready to give peace a chance, describing the meeting
    as ‘ a pointer that there is a way forward for the guild.’

    “That we sat to talk about the progress of AGN, is a good pointer that peace is in sight. We talked, ate and drank together is a sign of peace. The direction is achieving peace. Though Ibinabo was not here, her boss, Ifeanyi Dike, Sunny McDon, Okey Bakassi represented her interest.”

    “We will be meeting again to fine tune things. The crisis in the guild is being fueled by those who are benefitting from it. They have sustained this battle for so long. But we thank God that at the end of the day, we are ready to sheathe our swords and let go of our egos and our positions to save the soul of AGN. According to Prince Ifeanyi Dike, the essence of the meeting is to chart a new direction for the guild. Revealing that they have asked Emeka Ike to itemize his demands as he would present the same to the larger house, the AGN BoT chairman, however, called on all warring factions to sheathe their swords, urging them to join hands in moving the guild forward once again. Meanwhile, HVP gathered that a national summit of AGN is scheduled to hold on Monday, August 21, at The Oaklands amusement park, Enugu. Part of the agenda of the summit, according to an insider is how to chart a new direction for the association.

  2. Many adults and students in Ilorin have resorted to football betting as a way of
    surviving the
    current economic recession in the country.

    The News Agency of Nigeria reporter observed this on Wednesday when he visited
    different betting centres in Ilorin.

    NAN reports that both unemployed and workers have embraced various
    kinds of betting as an alternative to survive.

    A civil servant, Dayo Olaolu, told NAN that he was surviving on football betting as things were getting tougher every day.

    “I am not a gambler, but the situation in the country has forced me to it now as there is no alternative at the moment,” he

    A fashion designer, Quadri Idris, said he had been trying his luck to win a bet
    to cater for his family’s needs as his business was no more thriving.

    “Man must survive and I think the best way for this present situation is to gamble. I will not steal to survive as the situation at hand demands for alternative means,” he

    Moses Olawale of Kwara State Polytechnic, Ilorin, said betting had been of help to him to sustain his
    academic pursuit.

    Mr. Olawale said his parents could no longer cater for his academic pursuit which forced him to resort to betting
    as alternative.

    “I am a very lucky person because I always win bet. I use the money I get from betting to finance my tuition as there is no one to assist except my parents,” Mr.
    Olawale said.

    Felix John, one of the Managers of Bet9ja in Olunlade Area, Ilorin, confirmed that his betting business was witnessing
    high patronage by customers.

    “We see pastors, bankers, teachers, students and even girls coming to play bet as alternative for livelihood,” he said.

    Mohammed Ishola, the Manager at Bet 360, Amilegbe Area, Ilorin, said customers were coming in numbers to
    try their luck.

    “I am shocked at the high rate of patronage these days. This centre is always overcrowded that you hardly see space to place your legs,” he said.

    NAN reports that various betting houses are in town such as Bet9ja,
    Naira bet, Bet 360, Bet 1X2.

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